It’s that time of year again… another Valentine’s Day is here and I’m still unpartnered. Last year I talked about how the holiday didn’t anger me anymore, it was just alien to me. This year I am coming to terms with why I’ve always professed to hate the holiday.
First, there are all the years I’ve been unpartnered. Valentine’s Day is like salt in the wound when you’re already feeling lonely. Everything you see on TV and in other media for weeks before the day is couples being happy and exchanging tokens of love. When I’ve been in a good place emotionally and mentally for the holiday, it’s just a mild annoyance. When I’ve been in a bad place, it’s like being stabbed in the gut.
Then there are the years (20+) I was with someone who hated the holiday. All of the usual arguments were made – it’s a commercially created holiday with no real historical meaning, people shouldn’t only show their love on one day of the year, it creates an expectation that the guy will fork over expensive stuff in exchange for sex (i.e. prostitution) – and I always felt that I couldn’t say that I wanted to celebrate it anyway. It was easier to adopt their position on the holiday and insist that I hated the holiday just as much. Funny thing, though – for the most part the guys in my life who have said “people shouldn’t show their love only one day a year” pretty much sucked at showing it the rest of the time as well.
So I’m coming out as a closet Valentine’s Day lover. I want the romance, I want the flowers, I want the candy (even though it goes straight to my hips), and the jewelry would be awesome. I want a nice dinner with candlelight, and to go somewhere we can slow dance. I want to buy lingerie and plan my own part of the romantic evening, too. I want the whole package. It doesn’t even have to cost a lot, there are tons of romantic things a guy can do for me that I’d love just as much as sparkly bling and a hundred buck’s worth of flowers. It’s about the celebration of love, and the fact that we mean the world to each other.
Maybe loving this holiday makes me a sap. Maybe I’ve bought into the commercialized nonsense. I don’t care, I still want it all. I always have.
So this year I’m in an okay place. When I see couples in love in the adverts, I feel a little sad and out of place, but it’s not a sharp pain of loss or loneliness. I wish I had a guy to pamper me and do the silly things for me (and I for him) but that’s not the case this year. I’ll pamper myself a bit instead, and it’ll all be good. Maybe by this time next year I’ll have found a guy who will do all those things for me. Or not. Either way, I don’t feel like I have to pretend to hate the holiday anymore.
Happy Valentines Day, hope you have a good one whether you’re partnered or not.